Previously on United States of Tara...
Just because you graduated, doesn't mean you get to lay around the house all day.
I'm job-hunting.
This is a debt-collection agency.
You get 5% of whatever you collect.
- You obviously belong over here. - What?
The gayble? The gay table?
I'm straight, but not narrow.
Are we sure this is a suicide? We hardly knew this guy.
We should know our neighbors better.
Ted Mayo. This is my partner, Hany.
Hubbard tried slit his wrists first.
This is Mr. Hubbard's sister.
I just wondered if you'd mind keeping an eye on the house, bring in the mail.
Come on, let's buy this house!
- Can I get you another beer? - Now, how could I say no to you?
- Why don't you have champagne? - Is it a princess cut?
- Will you marry me? - Yes! Yes!
Do you think that Nick can tell that I had a thing with Neil?
The thing between us. It's not just fucking.
You know it.
I have not transitioned in months, for the record.
- Where's your man? - I'm your man.
Open up the sky. This mess is getting high.
Its windy and our family needs a ride.
I know we'll be just fine
when we learn to love the ride.
I know we'll be fine
when we learn to love the ride.
I know we'll be just fine
when we learn to love the ride.
Where you been?
I just went for a walk. Couldn't sleep.
I think it's the new meds. I woke up at three.
Three?
I'm insanely hyper. So I...
- Is that... - Yeah.
- You're engaged? - Yes! Yes!
He did it! He did it!
I did it! I did it!
My God, you're so sweaty!
I'm gonna get married, mama.
He asked me to marry him.
My God, I finally did it.
I got a good guy, right?
- He's a good guy? - He's a great guy.
And he actually
loves me.
- You're very lovable, Charmaine. - I know!
I mean, we were raised to believe we should eat dog shit, you know?
So you get used to dog shit.
You really believe our parents raised us to eat dog shit?
No. Anyway, I don't know.
I am done with dog shit.
I am reborn.
I'm gonna be somebody's wife.
So, I feel like it's a miracle he proposed
while we were living together. The whole...
"milk for free" thing.
And I don't want to take any chances, so can I please stay here
until the wedding? I'll just hang out in your little crafty room.
Live here?
You know, so I can...
"revirginate" myself.
What are you gonna do? Crochet yourself a new hymen?
Good news. Charmaine's revirginizing herself.
Oh, really? Tools are in the garage. Just put them back when you're done.
Check it out!
- Is that real? - Yeah, it's real!
I'm gonna be somebody's wife!
Poor bastard.
Sweaty baby. What time did you get up?
Five.
Five?
Thank you for letting me live here!
I will be such a help, I promise.
It takes a village.
Okay, so, I'm gonna take Marsh to school.
- And then I'm gonna go... - Can I drive?
- I don't know. Can he drive? - It's your life.
I'm cool. I can actually die now.
I'm gonna drop you off, and I'm gonna go to the grocery store.
- I want to cook for you guys. - I was gonna cook tonight.
We can both cook.
That's some pretty sassy business wear there, cutie.
Yeah, that's me. I'm a business lady now.
- Just be home for dinner, okay? - Yeah, you go, honey!
You milk that blood of the victims of the economic collapse.
You know, I like to think of it like wringing out a washcloth
so that it can dry.
- You wring it! - Are you guys talking about my ring?
I got a ring!
The beginning of the end.
Let's go on a field trip. Let's go over to Hubbard's.
Really?
You're not a little curious?
"Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Transgender Association."
GLBTA.
You ought to put a letter in for people like me, like
"allies" or whatever... Straight kids who want to support.
I know, Courtney. Why don't you make a group called "frenemas"?
I think the word is "frenemies."
I said "frenema" and I meant "frenema", missy.
That's a friend who can come over, help clean you out before big date.
Maybe it's not a good idea to purposely leave anyone out.
Only eight of us came to this meeting in a school of about a million.
Plus, there are people who are still questioning.
You know, undecided or independents or whatever.
Excuse me?
Independents. People who don't feel like who you're sleeping with
needs to be some kind of a headline.
I mean, making it this narrow thing marginalizes us.
Or... people.
Thank you.
Honey, we don't have to take our shoes off.
Hubbard's sister got most of the stuff out of here.
- Looks different. - You said you've never been here.
I haven't.
Stuck in the '70s.
Does it smell weird, or is it just me?
I love it. Let's buy it.
Come on.
Max, you cannot fix this place up yourself.
It's not just a paint job. You'd need a real carpenter...
A contractor...
- Ghost whisperer. - I can do all that shit.
Honey, we've got enough to do.
I mean, does it occur to you that now that I'm better,
you're just looking for another project?
- This thing's kind of in tune. - You're not listening to me.
Seriously, sometimes, I just think I'm this voice that you tune out.
- "Crazy wife talking!" - Remember this one?
I'm all out of love.
I'm so lost without you.
I know you were right.
Believing for so long.
I'm all out love.
What am I without you?
I can't be too late.
To say that I was so wrong.
Come on, honey, take it.
I want you to come back and carry me home.
Away from these long, lonely nights.
I'm reaching for you.
Are you feeling it, too?
Does the feeling seem oh so right?
I'm all out of love.
What am I without you?
I can't be too late.
To say that I was so wrong.
Hello.
Hi.
When do you think he'll be home?
Would you mind telling him I called?
Thank you so much.
This reeks...
wildly.
Till one day, you land your first really big fish
get your first really big check,
then you realize it doesn't necessarily reek all that bad.
This is my big fish. Lynda P. Frazier.
Never!
I called her every week for a year.
Pretty slippery fish, that Lynda P. Frazier.
It says that her area code is in downtown Kansas city.
I know. I almost went down there myself.
- Why didn't you? - It was against the rules.
Didn't they tell you story of that guy who went to that guy's house?
He got tied up with his own belt for up to three days.
Up to?
Thereabouts.
How it all went down has never been quite clear.
We want to make an offer on the house.
What?
Okay, no need to check with me.
Well, you just made my day.
I just thought, in this economy,
you might have a hard time selling it. We could get it at fair-market value,
- fix it up, and... - My God, no.
I mean, yes, you'd be taking a load off my hands,
with the... disclosure laws.
With the suicide, they call it a "stigmatized property".
"Stigmatized".
"Stigma"?
We keep hearing different things about what actually happened to him.
Well,
Jana said she found things in the home
that suggested he'd been planning it for months...
Meticulously.
So sad.
Crazy people.
Anyway, I'm gonna run...
Pick up a deli tray for my open house. But I will absolutely ask Jana
if she wants to unload this place quickly.
Well, I'm glad you didn't need my permission.
Do I need your permission to do this?
Let's see...
One day, you're a revolutionary with your purple flowers,
and now you're "I" for "Independent"?
You have history first period with Mr. Rimes, right?
Was the Mayflower Compact on the exam?
Why are you ignoring me?
Don't let them catch you checking them out,
or it may end up in a gang bang you won't soon forget.
Would you shut up for once, Lionel fucking Trane?
Every single word that comes out of your mouth is about sex or asses.
Because it's funny.
I'm late.
Fags.
You want this shit so badly, you dream about it, Josiah!
You ruin it for gay people, Lionel.
I mean, you do. You ruin it.
You make being gay something no one would ever want to be.
It's like you're asking for it,
like you live for it,
like you want Josiah Werkheimer to call you a fag.
He means it with love.
Look, Marshall, you know what? You can pretend that you're "I"
or bi or exploring
or discovering or whatever you wanna call it.
But look in the mirror, dude.
Check out your shorts.
You very clearly ordered the gay size.
Your fucking face is the fucking gay size.
I'm not you, okay, Lionel?
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
What is it, Sully?
Well, I could do it to code, full permits. But...
If you're just flippin', I'd sully-rig it.
What's "sully-rig it"?
Sort of a temporary permanent.
Hold you over for a few years.
No sense investing a bunch of money if you're not gonna live in this mofo.
Right?
So, you and Max had an air supply jam?
It's awesome. An air supply jam.
I'm all out of love.
I'm so lost without you.
It may be one of those moments that cannot be repeated.
What are you thinking of?
- Hey, there. - Hi.
This is weird.
I'm not stalking you or anything. You look pretty.
What time did you leave?
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it, too?
Hi. Does the feeling seem oh so right?
We're forgetting something.
Anyway, it was nice seeing you.
You're the bartender.
Yes! Worcestershire sauce.
- Worcestershire. Worcestershire sauce. - "Woos." "Woos."
Oh, my lordship.
Who is that?
Lynda P. Frazier.
Nice horns.
She's giving me horns.
- You're vile! - If I'd have known she was that hot,
I would have gone over there and let her tie me up with my own ball sac!
You again.
I get it.
But if you wanna come by the bar this week, I'm working every night.
I can't come by the bar.
Just have a drink.
No pressure.
I get it.
I don't know what happened between us.
Come on. You weren't that drunk.
I mean, shit, honey,
I never even been with a chick before,
- so... You think you're skeeved. - Neither have I!
Listen, I know this is weird.
But I'm just gonna apologize for whatever we did...
- Don't you dare apologize. - ... and tell you that
nothing else is going to happen between us because I'm...
I'm trouble. I'm...
I'm trouble.
Hello?
Lynda P. Frazier?
Is Lynda here?
Who are you?
I'm here as a representative of CSR.
She...
Ma'am...
Owes debts of over $30,000, and it's my job to bring the case to closure.
Get the money back.
Come on in.
Jesus Christ. It's happening again.
It's happening! I'm losing time again.
It's happening again! I'm fucking freaking!
I'm... I'm... I want to up my medication.
But I don't want Max to think there's anything wrong with me.
And I thought I was better!
We all thought I was better.
I can't!
I can't.
I wanted to be better so badly.
Fuck.
Fu-u-u-ck!
I'm sorry to do this.
You give them $5,000, they'll be thrilled.
That should hold them for a minute.
DTKC?
That's an arts organization I'm president of.
My mom's an artist.
Well, thank you for the check.
Thank you.
So, how'd you find me?
Actually, I found these paintings or...
posters of this...
fantasy princess, winged lady.
Princess Valhalla Hawkwind.
This is the address if you wanted to order art of her.
No, nobody buys that shit anymore.
I invented her 20 years ago when I was playing D&D in high school.
Got to Harvard, started drawing comics of her... Naive as shit.
It wasn't till I took women's studies that I realized she was some sort of...
I don't know... weird, fucked-up, inverted anima avatar shadow.
That's so funny.
Yeah, 'cause...
I thought that you were her,
so I came here expecting to meet her.
Well, I'll always be her.
A little.
Your ring is so pretty.
Thank you.
Did you tell my buddy your good news yet?
No. Why would I tell Neil?
Why would Neil care? Anyway, this is a cushion cut.
And when got it, I was really excited because I thought it was a princess cut
because everybody says that princess cuts sparkle more.
And then I remembered that everybody I knew was always saying "Cushion cut."
So then I was like, "Maybe I want a cushion cut."
Then I was like, "You know what? They're both good. Cushion cut",
princess... either one." Then I got a cushion cut!
- What? So now I like cushion cut. - Lucky you.
Why don't we toast, then... to Char, to true love?
- Hey, peoplaters. - Hey. We were worried about you.
I just met the most amazing woman.
I thought I was the most amazing woman.
I was in downtown Kansas City, And I found this woman
who owed a bunch of money. So I made $250 worth of commission.
And, more importantly, I got my mind literally blown.
I don't think you literally had your mind blown.
If you literally had your mind blown, your brain would be gone.
- Who are you? - Marshall's lady friend.
- Mind literally blown yet again. - Marshall's friend.
Well, I was just toasting true love.
But Marshall's new friend is just a friend. Cheers.
Is that what we're doing? Making a toast to real love?
True love and the house next door almost being ours, huh?
Clink, Tara? To love and houses.
Clink.
What, mama? No clinky?
You know, I think I ate some...
some bad octopus. Sorry, Char.
Are you okay?
Will you guys excuse me?
What the fuck you do with my biker boots?
What do you want?
I need the body!
- Well, it's mine. - Come on. Just for a few hours.
You feel okay?
Fine.
I'm gonna go next door make a list of all the stuff I wanna do in there.
You good?
I'm good.
Here it is.
What are you doing?
May I come in, milady?
I thought you said you were trouble.
I couldn't stay away from you, Pammy.
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
That feels nice.
Thank you, lord.
Baby.
Come back to bed, Bucky.
You don't have to leave.
Wait. I'll fix you a bowl of cereal.
Hello, missus.